On the wrong way, in the wrong hands

Between too close words, there is
A huge misunderstanding.
I’ve found being kind is not exactly being caring.
He just gives only upon asking.

Enthusiasm is not rather about speed
Than unceasing positive thoughts and actions.
It is not to reveal some short greeds
But to keep working on inside lifetime passions.

Between two close words, there was
My distorted understanding.
I was burned in wrong way devoting,
He let me have a long leaving.

Somewhere in the world, my confusing soul is redefining
New concept for second living.

via Daily Prompt: Enthusiasm

A Graduate’s Apology (If I Can Make It, Finally)

If this is my fifth time of graduation ceremony,
It is mine finally.
I used to think when my time came,
I would not like others, pouring apologies.
Because I would do my best
And always work enthusiastically.
But at one night in the middle, I realized
That I couldn’t go away with single sorry.

There was a smallest thing like
I forgot to turn off the light.
Sometimes, I came to lab late
Because insomnia at night.
There were huge things such as
My answers were neither direct nor right
On the stage of conference
Under many professors’ sights.

I felt despair
And fixed problems stupidly.
I thought no one cared
Which ruined everything, buried me in agony.
But at the third year darkest night,
I asked for help, told my story.
The wound started to be cure
And the process to heal started gradually, magically.

From all these years, if I could go for one mistake only,
I’m deeply sorry to think you would not understand me.

*****-*******

Daily Prompt: Mistake

Up, again

This may be a hundredth time that I feel better and want to fight for future. Somehow, I think this time can be different because I want my life to be written in another way.  In the way that I have adventures and obstacles, in the way that I survive day and night, in the way that I sometimes laugh and oftentimes cry, in the way that it can be a story in favourite book for someone, or at least for me. 

So I want to make a note here, to look back from the future whatever it happens. I want to say it is okay, if I drown again and takes time to resurface. I neither expect I will be invincible to any obstacles or emotions nor have a perfect ending. Of course, I want a happy ending in some aspects of life but I rather wish I have delight journeys than focus on the end of story alone. I also want to say this to everyone who feel depress. It is not wrong, it does not have to have that much reason to struggle in this stage. But it is going to be okay. Yes, I don’t know when, too, but it surely comes. And the moment I realized I want to fight to death more than to be dragged and died, does not have spotlight going on. It is just a regular aimless thought of mind, gradually turns into something I see the possibility in it. And my heart is convinced to try.

Living Life Like Reading

I want to live my life like my reading.

When I choose a story to read, I am never overthinking. Sometimes, I just walk through the shelf, pick the one that catch my eyes, and glance over the back cover. Oftentimes, I heard about how good one is. I probably do a small research such as searching to see comments. If I am so unsure, I probably read a few lines at the beginning. I do not really worry what I will get from it or how can it help me in the future. If it is tempting, tempting for what I cannot really define, I jump into.

Once I start, I do not think about a return. I do not consider what can I do with this amount of time. I pour my heart into it and just enjoy. Time pass, I engage. It is absolutely brilliant feeling in the world. I forget everything. It has only one me, in the reading universe. I see the blue sky, breath the crisp air, feel the wind blow through my hair. I read, read, read, try to absorb every single detail, every joy and pain. I do not avoid, I do not take a shortcut, I choose to bang myself to whatever it offers. It is hardly to stop reading but I start developing new concept recently. If my condition falters the pleasure in reading, I take a rest. What is the point to lose the chance to feel something from the story? I just realize how possessive I am even with, particularly with, the feelings. By the way, once, I had a reading concept that if I am dying tomorrow, at least I finish another good story. I cannot tell what is a correct mind, probably none, but now I believe in my new way one.

Fortunately, I always encounter with palatable one. Then, I think I have never unfinished the book I already start reading. There is a series with 13 books that I dislike, I have finished them all. I think because I prefer the suffocation of going through it to the unaccomplished feeling in my mind. The point is wavering, especially wavering to the better choice in the imagination, is wasteful for both time and happiness. The worst of all choices in dream is the better option one unsure one really want.

The ending does matter but I can say the decision to read does not really depend at the conclusion. If the story is excel, but only the ending is not the moment of triumph, I do not think I should abandon it. To be honest, mostly, the middle way is a true bliss of the story. The midway that is unknown and unpredictable . I am thrilling to know what happens next, just to have to calm myself every time that deliberately take it in will be more fulfill at the end.

In short, when I want to read, I choose what I think we will have a good time together, dive into it, enjoy the choice I made and forget the option I did not take.

But I am completely doing different to my life.

Why it is so hard to presently live in the choice I have made? Why I am always thinking to the alternatives I did not make? Why I cannot let myself happy right here, right now? In fact, my current research topic is very compatible to me and I want to know more. Taking step by step surely ends well but I just cannot concentrate and feel discouraged. It seems like I choose the biggest book in the world. Then, I think I cannot finish it, so I choose to not read it anymore. I live my life as skimming through the content. I should know better that halfhearted reading gain nothing but still, I am doing it. It is the stupidest act, I know.

Thanks for the good story I just finished as it helps me realize how I want to do with life.

Since I know now. Do I think I can do it?

Do I think I will do it?